All Aboard the Party Temple

ionsfolly:

Girl Talk: How My Friend’s Crazy Boyfriend Made Me Hang Onto Mine

‘Nuff said.

“And what are you dressed as?” I asked Vicki.

“Debbie Harry,” said Vicki.

“And you, sir?” I asked Don.

“A busted nut,” said Don.

“How lovely,” I answered.

I wasn’t sure what a busted nut was, exactly. The problem was, I knew asking after any follow up details would gift unto Don a chance to talk about himself, and I frankly wasn’t in the mood to listen.

Vicki excused herself to refill an hors d’oeuvre platter. Josh scuttled off to pour himself a coffee cup full of top-shelf gin. I was about to head along with him, when Don placed a hand on my shoulder.

“Wait,” he said. “Don’t go. I want to tell you more about my mask. It’s a tribute to Vicki’s vagina.”

Josh had already escaped to an adjacent room. And – weirdly – here’s a thing I now can say: If ever a 55-year-old you’ve just recently met and distinctly disliked tells you he’s made a mask in tribute to your friend’s (his girlfriend’s) vagina, you won’t actually want to run away. You’ll actually want him to go on. You’ll actually want to hear his explanation.

“A tribute to Vicki’s vagina? Please,” I said. “Go on.”

“The walnuts are meant to be a busted nut,” said Don, “My busted nut. Because our sex life’s so amazing.”

“That’s … wonderful,” I said.

“Do you know about Vicki’s vagina?” he asked. “About its color?”

“I don’t,” I said.

“Do you know more generally about the varying vaginal colors?” he asked.

“I don’t,” I said. “Please tell me about the … ‘varying vaginal colors’.”

“Vaginas vary in color,” he explained. “Most are pink, some are blue. But the really special ones are violet.”

“And Vicki’s?” I asked.

Don closed his eyes. He inhaled as though working actively to calm himself.

“Violet,” he said. “Your friend – my girlfriend – has a perfect, violet vagina. It’s very rare. That’s why I attached the purple horns. In tribute to the color.”

“How … romantic,” I said.

“It is,” he said. “I mean, she’s really blossomed. Her vagina, that is. I’ve taught her to ejaculate, and when she does, it’s like a waterfall of diamonds.”

Don pointed to the various plastic, diamond-shaped things glued to the rims of the horns.

“Which is why I have the diamonds.”

“I see,” I said.

“I just thought you should know,” he said.

And, with that, he walked away.

Okay…I was going to bed, and then I saw this.

What the…

Okaaaaaay then.